


Pass Slowly

by Skyshadow3246, Wolfloner



Series: Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces [23]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Background Relationships, Blindfolds, Collars, Crying, Dom Loki (Marvel), Dom/sub, Domestic Fluff, Drinking & Talking, Ergi, Established Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Frank Discussions of Sexuality, FrostIron - Freeform, Gender Roles, Grief/Mourning, Homophobic Language, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Backstory, M/M, Maria Stark's Bad Parenting, Men Crying, Muppet References, Oral Sex, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Peter Parker, POV Tony Stark, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Platonic WinterIron, Possessive Behavior, Punishment, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Sensory Deprivation, Shapeshifting, Sort Of, Sounding, Sub Tony Stark, Temperature Play, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, discussions of bloodletting, frank discussions of kink, implied/references child neglect, micro-repeaters, mild anxiety attack, mild descriptions of surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 04:38:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16758118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyshadow3246/pseuds/Skyshadow3246, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfloner/pseuds/Wolfloner
Summary: Bucky leaned forward, looking over the monitors in front of them. “You stuck shit out for several days before fleeing down here.”“Oh.” Tony attempted to shrug, but the weight of the arm on his shoulders kept him from managing much. “Shit needed to be handled, and it wasn't like I could just leave Steve and Pepper to deal with it.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This. Took. Forever. And wound up being WAY longer than I'd planned. WHOOPS?! But hey, all 3 chapters are this are written, and will be posted one a day for the next three days! So at least there's that, right? :'D

_ I think it’s time for a change _ __  
_ Cause things feel out of touch _ _  
_ __ And I watch you walk away, again

-Seether, _Pass Slowly_

**Tony**

For three days after encountering Váli, Tony spent more time dealing with the PR shitstorm that had rained down upon them than he had in recent memory. It wasn't until he had sequestered himself in his lab to work with the eagle feather--because he definitely wasn't just hiding, absolutely not--that he realized that last time things had been that bad was after the Chitauri invaded New York. Not surprising, he supposed: once aliens become involved, people tend to panic. 

On the one hand, it was almost worth it since he got to see Steve  _ go off _ on an asshole reporter who tried to imply that Bucky's presence had been anything but benevolent. 

On the other, Loki's appearance had people coming out of the woodwork to call The Avengers’ alliances into question. And, naturally, people had been quick to take images and video out of context, and they spread across the internet like wildfire.

And while Sigyn and Hel seemed apologetic about the situation, Fenrir was  _ furious _ at the idea that he needed to stay in The Tower. Hel, at least, understood humanity's foibles, and how close to mass panic the general public seemed to be. Hell, Fenrir might have understood too, but just didn't care, it was hard to tell.

It wasn't until Loki cornered him and told him to “stop being a fucking asshole” and that he was “acutely aware of how awful it is being trapped here,” that Fenrir at least stopped being openly hostile towards everyone. 

Except Steve. Tony had no idea what could have possibly transpired between the two to create so much vitriol, but Fenrir  _ loathed _ Steve. 

“I'm not saying you have to be nice to him,” Loki said as patiently as he could after they'd had to intervene to stop a fight from breaking out. “But you have to at least stop threatening him every time you're in the vicinity of each other.”

“He started it!” Fenrir argued, sounding every bit as much of a child as Loki claimed he was.

“I don't doubt it, but you're a guest here. And that means--”

“Fuck that!” Fenrir snarled. “You weren't there! You don't know how he thinks of you.”

“Oh, we've got a pretty good idea,” Tony muttered, earning an irritated look from Loki, who'd told him to stay out of it. “Well, we do! He's not exactly shy about it.”

Fenrir looked triumphant, “See? Your bedmate agrees with me.”

Tony frowned, both at the way Fenrir described their relationship, and at having words put into his mouth. “No, I don't,” he corrected. “I mean, yeah, Steve can be a self-righteous ass, but that doesn't mean you get to try to assault him every chance you get.”

He regretted speaking up when the wolf turned towards him, his chest rumbling from a growl unlike anything Tony had ever heard before. “How should I behave instead? Should I be like you and shelter a man who thinks so poorly of Faðir?” Fenrir had backed Tony against the wall, and he wasn't entirely certain he wasn't about to be bitten in half.

“Fenrir!” Loki snapped. “Control yourself. Tony isn't your enemy.”

Tony let out a deep sigh of relief when Fenrir looked away from him. He couldn't understand what Fenrir said next, because he quit letting the AllSpeak translate his words. He  _ did _ sound a bit calmer, though, and Loki managed to talk him down. He even got Fenrir to agree to at least stop behaving aggressively towards Steve, and to just make an effort to avoid him, instead.

That had been the last major interaction Tony had had before retreating to his lab to work. Pepper had even called him and told him to try to stay out of the way before he let something about Loki slip and make the situation worse. Which, really, he was pretty sure he deserved more credit than that. At least he did until Pepper reminded him of the numerous times he'd gotten fed up with inane questions and spoken without considering the consequences.

He didn't really make any headway that first day. He still couldn't focus, and it was making figuring out where to even  _ start _ frustratingly difficult. It was still actually  _ night _ when he gave up for the day and returned to his room.

Loki looked confused when he let himself collapse onto the bed. 

“What?” He asked when Loki still just stared as he pulled the covers over himself.

“Nothing. I just… wasn't expecting to see you again for at least another couple of days.”

Tony huffed and refused to acknowledge the accuracy of his assumption, rolling over to face the wall instead. “Bite me,” he grumbled. He jumped when, quick as a whip, Loki had slid behind him, mouth pressing against his shoulder. “Not an actual invitation, Loki.”

He tried to shift away but found himself held still by Loki's arm wrapping around him. He could  _ feel _ Loki pouting, his mouth still resting against his skin. “I'm serious,” Tony continued. “Not in the mood.”

“Sorry.” Loki released him immediately.

It wasn't as if Tony didn't understand. Easily 95% of the time when he'd bitch about something he wasn't actually trying to dissuade the god. He was just incapable of not being difficult, apparently. “Thanks,” he whispered.

* * *

Two days later Tony was finally making some actual progress. Not much, he admitted, but it was better than nothing. The feather was too  _ other _ for his instruments to read off anything useful, but he'd been right that it had a traceable energy signature. For now he only had the ability to track where the feather was right then, but he was pretty sure he could tweak the sensors until he could pick up the cloak's movement from the fight.

He was in a groove, his music blaring loudly enough to block out any other thoughts besides those that involved his current project. So he frowned when the music quieted, alerting him that someone else was in the lab, too.

“How are your ears not fucking destroyed yet?” It was Bucky who had invaded his space, dropping into one of the chairs and slowly spinning it around. “Do you just have the same album on repeat forever?” When Tony turned back to the monitors, Bucky continued. “I swear it's the same damn song every time I come down here.”

“Hello to you, too,” he aimed a wave behind him in Bucky's general direction. “What's up?”

“You hidin’?”

“Nope.”

“Liar.”

“I'm working,” Tony corrected, still not turning back to look at him.

“Those are the same thing for you.”

Tony looked back then, narrowing his eyes. “Fair,” he acquiesced, before returning to his work. There was a time when it hadn't been uncommon for Bucky to come down to the lab and just hang out. When had that stopped? He grimaced when he realized: it had stopped happening shortly after Loki had moved in.  _ Fuck _ . “Hey, Buck, I'm--oof.” Bucky had moved from the chair and draped his metal arm across Tony's shoulders.

“I'm proud of you, kid.” 

He made a face at the nickname but had long ago quit protesting it. “Thanks,” he said. “For what?”

Bucky leaned forward, looking over the monitors in front of them. “You stuck shit out for several days before fleeing down here.”

“Oh.” Tony attempted to shrug, but the weight of the arm on his shoulders kept him from managing much. “Shit needed to be handled, and it wasn't like I could just leave Steve and Pepper to deal with it.”

“Sounds like Stevie was right.”

“About what?”

“That Loki's been a good influence on you.”

Tony's jaw dropped as he turned to look at Bucky. “What? He said that?”

Bucky laughed at his startled expression. “That's about what I said, too.” He didn't give Tony time to really process what Steve had said, instead gesturing towards the monitors. “So, what are you working on?”

“You know how our lives are just magic bullshit now?”

“No. That's just you. Until this week the rest of us had fucking avoided that.”

Tony felt himself smile at that. “Ok, well, this is more magic bullshit. So far as I can tell it's an eagle feather. Or from something that has feathers like an eagle. Who knows? The point is that Váli stole a cloak made of these things, and now he can teleport anywhere.”

“Váli?”

“Uh, the big red wolf that turned into a kid? He's one of Loki's children. The short version is that he was cursed and… I don't know. Brainwashed? I'm not sure what to call it, but it fucked him up really badly.”

Bucky tensed at the mention of brainwashing. And yeah, great job, Tony, maybe try for even the slightest bit of sensitively? But Bucky didn't give him the chance to apologize. “And Loki and Sigyn were trying to break the curse?”

“Yeah.”

“Did it work?”

“I don't know. He's not a wolf anymore, so… maybe?”

Bucky sighed and pulled Tony closer to his side. “You said he could use the cloak to go anywhere? What did that mean?”

“I don't know yet. There might be skill involved, or I guess you have to have been there before. Because Sigyn didn't use it to get to New York.” Bucky nodded at his explanation. “Thankfully we don't need to know how it works to track it and figure out where he went.” 

“How far out can you track it?”

“Should be able to cover most of Earth. Parts of Antarctica might be a bit sketchy.”

“What if he's not on Earth?”

“Then I'm probably wasting my time.” But there was something in Bucky's tone that caught his attention. “What are you thinking?”

“Do you want to know the first thing Steve did after he came out of the ice?”

“Panicked, probably.”

“After that.”

“Uh, I'm pretty sure SHIELD had some sort of orientation type thing? Like, “Hey, so you've been in a coma for 70 years, boy are you in for a surprise!” or something like that.”

“Damn it, Tony.”

“Fine. Sorry. What'd Cap do after waking up?”

“He went to Brooklyn.”

“Why would he want to do  _ that _ ?”

Bucky flicked a finger against his shoulder in admonishment. “Because it was  _ home _ , asshole.” He let his arm drop from across Tony's shoulders. “I might just be projecting, but if turning back into a kid freed him from the curse  _ at all _ ? He probably wanted to go home.”

Tony let out a long breath. “I hope not. He's gonna have a hell of a shock when he finds out Asgard isn't there anymore.”

“Yep,” Bucky said quietly, leaning against the table, “I know the feeling.”

* * *

**Bucky**

Bucky spent the next several hours down in the lab talking with Tony. They talked about how he was trying to track the feather, and then about the Nanobots and Tony's new suit. Which he felt was unnecessarily extravagant, even for Tony. 

Eventually it turned into a companionable meandering conversation, catching up with each other's lives, and fuck, Tony hadn't been kidding when he claimed that his life had just turned into magic bullshit. Even though he was trying to downplay it, Tony was obviously stressed out. 

He wouldn't speak in much detail about what all was bothering him beyond that much of his life had changed dramatically over the last week. 

“I'm not even interested in sex,” he groused.

“You know that's pretty typical, right?” Bucky asked gently. “High levels of stress can--”

“Not for me.”

“Tony.”

“No, I know the whole “stress can kill your libido” shit, but that's literally the opposite of what happens to me.”

“What? You saying that stress itself makes you horny?”

“It sounds weird when you say it like that, but yeah, basically. Some people stress eat, I stress fuck. You fucking know that about me.”

After a moment Bucky shrugged. “Ok, it sounds like you obviously need a break from all this shit,” he said. “Come enjoy a normal fucking evening and eat dinner with me and Steve.”

“I'll think about it.”

“I'm gonna invite Loki, too. You can both come pretend to be a normal couple for an hour or two.”

“Fuck you.” But Tony grinned. “What about Steve?”

“What about him?”

“Is he going to cool with you inviting us?”

“He'll live,” he assured him.

“Ok, fine, you've twisted my arm. I'll be there.”

It was after that that he boarded the elevator to go find Loki.

“JARVIS, where's Loki?”

“The shooting range.”

“The fuck is he doing there?” He hadn't meant to direct the question to JARVIS, but that didn't keep the AI from answering.

“Shooting, Sir.”  _ Sarcastic fucker. _

He didn't have to ask JARVIS to stop the elevator at a the shooting range. Bucky wasn't sure what he'd expected to find, but he found himself surprised to find Loki with a black longbow and silver-fletched arrows.

“When the fuck did you start practicing archery?” He asked in lieu of a greeting, stopping a few feet back to observe.

“When I was a child.” Loki loosed an arrow. It was several inches shy of the bullseye, but if it didn't kill the target, it would still stop them in their tracks. 

“That a common thing they taught in Asgard?”

“Common enough.” Loki knocked another arrow. “I think Odin was just pleased to see me doing something that didn't involve sorcery.” 

That arrow barely hit the target at all. “Maybe try picturing Odin?” Bucky suggested. Loki hadn't shared much about his relationship with his adoptive father née kidnapper, but he'd heard enough.

Loki's next arrow struck the target where an eye would have been. 

“There you go, much better.” Loki lowered his bow and turned to give him an annoyed look. “Why would Odin have an issue with you doing sorcery? Didn't he use magic and shit?”

“He did.” Loki turned back to the targets. “In that, as with most things, he was a hypocrite.” Bucky waited as Loki loosed three more arrows. His aim had improved dramatically. “There was a time when sorcery was considered a primarily feminine art,” he explained. “Men who practiced it, particularly those who were competent, were labeled  _ ergi _ \--wicked, lewd, unmanly.”

Bucky scoffed. That didn't make any fucking sense. He'd seen what Loki could  _ do _ with magic, and there wasn't anything inherently feminine about it. If men and women were both capable, what did it fucking matter? “Figured you super civilized aliens would be way beyond that sort of shit.”

“Largely we were. There were very few who actually took issue with my abilities.” He paused. “Well, few that I knew of.” The next arrow finally struck the center of the bullseye. “Being a prince I was sheltered from many of the true thoughts the Asgardians held about me. Honestly that was probably more to their benefit than my own.”

The unsaid threat was obvious. “D'you think you'd have stuck a few arrows in anyone who actually called you  _ ergi _ ?”

Loki snorted. “Hardly. It would be far more fitting to kill them with the skills that mocked me for. Besides, I never shot any arrows at people.”

“Really? What, just targets, or--”

“Wild game. I learned archery to hunt.” His bow and arrows disappeared. “Which, honestly, I didn't really get much chance to do until I left Asgard.”

“You left Asgard?” 

“For a time. I visited several Realms before meeting Sigyn in Vanaheim. I stayed there with her for a long while.”

“What other Realms?” Bucky knew about Earth-- which Loki and Thor referred to as Midgard--and Asgard, to an extent, but this was his first chance to really ask about what else was out there.

Loki looked pleased by his curiosity. “I briefly visited Muspelheim, the home of Fire Giants, and, well, I suppose humans would call them demons. My stay was very brief, though, as everything there was anathema to my existence.”

“Too hot for a Frost Giant?” Bucky teased.

“Quite. I didn't realize that then, of course.”

“That it would be too hot?”

“That I was Jötunn. It was only recently that I learned that about myself.”

“Really?” Bucky had just assumed he'd always known. How had he gone through life  _ not _ knowing something like that? “How recently?”

“From a human perspective…” Loki paused, considering. “Around 15 years ago, perhaps?”

“What does that mean?  _ Human perspective?  _ Did you find out 15 years ago based on, like, Earth's timeline?”

“Not quite. I believe on Earth it was closer to 10 years ago that I learned of my true heritage. But I spent a significant amount of time somewhere… It doesn't matter where. Time didn't really mean anything, there, is the important part.”

Bucky hesitated. In the best case scenario he'd learn something new, and gain a better understanding of his friend. On the other hand, he might also just piss off a god who'd just talked about killing people as if it was nothing. “So you spent 5 years somewhere where time didn't mean anything?”

Loki smirked, “Essentially.”

_ Fuck it. _ “Was that right before New York?”

The other man went perfectly still. “Yes.” His expression made it clear that he had no interest in discussing what had happened during those 5 non-years, and Bucky wasn't about to push it. 

“Ok,” he said simply. “Where else did you visit? After Muspelheim.”

He looked surprised by how easily Bucky dropped the subject, but latched back onto the topic gracefully. “I also visited Alfheim, home of the Elves.”

“Wait, elves? Like, Santa-elves or Lord of the Rings-elves?”

“What? Neither. They are ethereal spirits. Embodiments of duality.”

“Like good and evil?”

“Good and evil are moral constructs that cannot be concretely defined. I'm speaking more of things like light and darkness, hot and cold, attraction and repulsion, excess and deficiency, fractal and whole.”

Bucky blinked at the examples given. “Oh,” he said simply. “The fuck was that like?”

“It was actually quite fun,” Loki perked up, probably thinking back to his time spent with the Elves. “I spent a few years with them before I began to miss beings of my own ilk. So that's when I traveled to Vanaheim.”

“Do gods live in Vanaheim too?”

“They do.” Loki paused. “There are two races of gods: the Æsir and the Vanir. The Æsir are… well, you've met Thor.”

“What, just a whole race of Thors running around?”

“No, but he's a prime example of Æsir ideals and values. Intelligent but rather insistent that others move to accommodate them. Unwilling to give an inch unless it greatly benefits them.”

“Yeah, that definitely doesn't sound like anyone else I know,” Bucky said with a grin.

“Shut up. Do you want me to finish or not?” But Loki didn't seem the least bit offended by the remark. 

“Please, go on. What's the deal with the Vanir?”

“The Vanir gods are the ones who  _ really _ control magic and sorcery. They were the ones who taught me everything. First my mother, Frigga, and then later Sigyn and her mother, Freyja. They, generally speaking, are more… cooperative. With each other, with foreigners, with the very land they live on.”

“But you're not biased at all, right?”

“Oh, I'm incredibly biased,” Loki confirmed. “I felt more at home in Vanaheim that almost anywhere else.”

“Almost?” Judging by the way Loki's eyes widened, he hadn't meant to let slip at least part of that. Bucky had a pretty good guess what he'd meant going by his embarrassed expression. “Don't worry about it, we're pretty fond of you, too.” He smiled. “Shit. Right. That's why I even came down here.”

“Because you're fond of me?” Loki was back to smirking.

“Sort of. I figured that you and Tony could use a breather, so you two should come up and eat dinner with us later.”

“Us being… you and Steve?”

“Yeah.”

Loki considered for a moment. “Is Steve aware that you're inviting me?”

Bucky groaned, “Shit, why are you two so fucking concerned about him?”

“Because he's decidedly not _fond_ _of me._ He hates me,” Loki said slowly. “Openly and without reservation. 

He thought back to the last few interactions he'd witnessed between Steve and Loki. And sure, yeah, it probably did look like Steve hated him. And he was never going to be one of Loki's biggest fans, but he did seem to finally believe that Loki had their best interests at heart, and was in fact their ally. They were still working on the whole  _ trust _ aspect, but after the confrontation with the wolves, Steve had told JARVIS to cancel all of the extraneous cautions and monitors he'd set up to watch Loki. “He doesn't really, though. He's just an asshole sometimes.”

“Sometimes.” Loki echoed, unimpressed.

“Just come fucking eat with us, Loki. I promise Steve will be on his best behavior.”

* * *

**Tony**

“Being polite and taking the elevator, I see.” Tony teased as Loki joined him on the way down.

Loki hummed in response, “I only had to make that mistake once.”

_ What? _ “What? Why? What happened?”

But the god just smiled, leaving him to his own imagination until the doors opened.

They were greeted by an enthusiastic Bucky and a slightly less enthusiastic Steve. But seeing a less than ecstatic Steve was better than if he were putting on his grin-and-bare-it Captain America facade. It meant that he was willing to just be himself, something Tony couldn't remember seeing around Loki before.

“Loki, I--” Steve started as soon as they sat down at the table. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Thank you.”

Loki quickly shot Tony a bewildered glance, but Tony didn't have any idea what he was being thanked for either.

“For what?” 

“Last week, during the fight. You kept me from getting hit by a chunk of road.”

“I… Oh, yes. You're welcome.” Loki paused for a moment. “And… I apologise for Fenrir's behavior. I'd say he was raised better than that but, he wasn't, really. And then he was isolated in a cave for a very long time.”

“We did get him to agree to leave you alone, though,” Tony said.

“ _ We _ did nothing. You very nearly made the situation worse.”

“Loki got him to agree to leave you alone,” Tony corrected easily. 

Steve looked more amused than anything. “I appreciate that.”

“So,” Bucky interjected. “I was really curious about this earlier, but it didn't seem the right time. What the fuck happened 15 years ago?”

Tony looked between Loki and Bucky curiously. “Huh?”

“I mentioned finding out that I wasn't an Asgardian earlier.” Loki explained.

“That was only 15 years ago?” Tony asked incredulously.

“I told you it was recent,” Loki muttered.

“Recent can mean a couple hundred years to you, though.”

“The  _ very _ abbreviated version is that Thor lead a handful of us into Jötunnheim. A battle ensued, as was typical of anything Thor did at the time. One of the Jötnar grabbed my arm and…” Loki surprised Tony by holding up his arm and letting the glamour fall away. 

His own startled look was nothing compared to the look of surprise the other two men had.

In the next moment the glamour was back in place. “You've both seen me like that.” Amusement flooded Loki's tone.

“In footage, but not up close,” Steve managed.

“No,” Loki corrected, “you were both there the first time my glamour failed.”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed slowly, “but you got out of there pretty fast. And they were more than a little distracted. Hell, I barely caught sight of you until I got back to The Tower.”

“Wait, sorry. You said one of them just touched you, right? Why did that do anything?” Steve asked.

“Frost Giants are really fucking cold,” Tony explained. “Even like this he runs at like 35 degrees.” He glanced at Steve, “That's 95 degrees in freedom units.”

“Why do you just fucking assume I'm not familiar with celsius?” Steve griped.

“Are you?”

“I'm familiar  _ enough _ .”

“Are humans just unpleasantly warm to you, then?” Bucky asked, interrupting what was almost certainly about to turn into an argument. 

“Not  _ unpleasantly _ , no.”

Tony rolled his eyes just as Bucky turned to him, “What is that even like?”

“What?” Tony asked.

“You know what.”

He just shrugged, carefully not meeting Steve's gaze--mostly because there was no way he'd manage to keep a straight face. “Honestly being cold is hardly the most interesting part of our sex life.” Tony admitted.

“Really?” Steve asked before apparently realizing he didn't actually want to be part of that conversation. Which suited Tony fine, he wasn't all that keen on sharing any details with Steve, anyway. 

Loki was less inclined to let the question slide, though. “What is the most interesting part, then?”

“I am absolutely not answering that right now. In fact, can we talk about literally anything else?”

“No.” Bucky said with a grin, his right arm draping over his shoulders. “You can't say shit like that and then  _ not _ share.”

“Sure he can,” Steve's voice was almost pleading, which only seemed to encourage Bucky more.

“Oh, fuck off. It can't be any weirder than the shit we get up to.”

Tony was confident that, yes. Yes, it could be. And very probably was. “Let me be the judge of that. You share yours first.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, “That's cheating.”

“Maybe,” Tony acknowledged. “But it's how I'm playing.”

When Bucky leaned back to consider his answer Tony could see that Steve was already starting to blush. “Well, we've fucked in Central Park.”

Steve's indignant squawk had Tony laughing harder than he had in awhile. He composed himself as quickly as possible, but couldn't stop grinning at Steve's mortified expression.

Loki was looking on with what probably appeared to be polite interest. But Tony  _ knew _ that expression, and that it meant that Loki loved the idea, and that that was a conversation that was going to happen soon. 

“You guys remember that we got together to eat, right?” Steve tried.

“Yeah, Steve's right. Plus, I mean, if public sex is what you're bringing to the table, then--”

Bucky cut Tony off. “Fine. Loki, you're up. What's the most interesting part of fucking Tony.”

Steve let out a mumbled curse.

“Most interesting or favorite?” Loki clarified.

“Dealer's choice.”

Tony quirked an eyebrow at Bucky. Those weren't necessarily the same thing. He waited for Loki's answer with a mix of curiosity and dread. While he was perfectly fine with sharing  _ most  _ of the things he and Loki did with Bucky, there were a few topics he'd prefer to keep private.

“The most interesting,” Loki said after a few moments, “would probably be sounding.”

“Oh thank God,” Tony said, letting out a breath he hadn't meant to be holding. Followed immediately by, “Wait, really?”

“You didn't find it interesting?” Loki asked.

“No, I did, I was just expecting a different answer.”

“Fuck it,” he heard Steve grumble. “I'll bite, what the hell is sounding?”

“Um,” Tony hadn't expected Steve to actually join in the conversation. “It's when you insert things, hopefully things designed for this purpose, into the urethra.” His answer was met with two stunned expressions.

“Why?” Bucky was the first to break the silence.

“Because it's fun and feels good,” Loki said easily, despite the fact that it was apparent that he was the only one in the room who held that opinion.

“Wait, hang on,” Bucky looked back to Tony. “You were relieved when he answered with sticking things in a dick. What the fuck did you think he was going to say?”

_ Fuck. _ “I was pretty sure that he was going to mention bloodplay, actually.”

“Bloodplay? Oh.” Loki looked surprised. “Of course there's a word for it,” he mused. “I didn't realize you associated that so heavily with sex.”

“How could I not?” Tony asked. “Wait, you don't?”

“Not really, no.”

“Alright assholes, are you gonna share with the class? Now what are you talking about?” Bucky asked.

Tony could see Steve grimace. “You, uh, don't actually want to know, Buck. Bloodplay is pretty,” he hesitated. Was Steve trying to avoid offending them? If so, that was actually kind of sweet, all things considered. “It's pretty niche, and definitely not something you'd be interested in.”

Bucky was frowning at Steve's reaction, but Tony had to agree with him on this. Bucky would definitely be happier not knowing any details about that particular kink.

“So, Steve,” Tony turned towards him, fixing him with his most wicked grin, “how do  _ you _ know about bloodplay?”

Steve was red enough he nearly matched his shield. “I was doing research on the internet and… misclicked.”

Tony laughed, delighted. ”Oooh, you found the weird porn.”

“Yes,” he admitted gruffly, defiantly refusing to meet Tony's eyes.

“What about you, Steve?” Loki asked smoothly. 

“I'm not playing,” he said quickly.

“Bullshit,” Bucky said with a smirk, “you started playing the second you asked what sounding was.”

“Fine. After Tony actually answers.”

“Oh,” Tony blinked. “Well, since it's out there, bloodplay is definitely one of the most interesting things we do.”

“I don't know if that should count,” Loki teased.

Tony gave him an annoyed look. “You're impossible,” he complained. In truth, the most  _ interesting _ thing was that Loki was a gorgeous blue alien with a mile-wide possessive streak that tended to manifest as incredibly aggressive sex. He didn't really want to share all of that, though. “I mean, my boyfriend's a shape shifter. That never fails to be interesting,” he offered instead. That was definitely true, and at least close to accurate.

Loki gave an amused huff at his answer.

Steve groaned as all attention returned to him. He grit his teeth and Tony was waiting for him to just refuse to answer, declaring that it was none of their business what he and Bucky did in the privacy of their own home. Which was technically true, but everyone else had shared, and he knew Bucky wasn't likely to let him out of it.

In fact Steve took long enough that Bucky elbowed him none-too-gently, which finally prompted him to say, “Bondage.”

Tony waited for a moment to see if Steve was going to say anything else, but when it didn't seem forthcoming he asked, “Care to elaborate at all?”

“Steve likes to boss me around and tie me up,” Bucky explained when it became obvious Steve wasn't going to offer anything else.

“No.” Tony said immediately at Loki's expression. “I would go fucking insane. I  _ can't _ handle that sort of shit.”

Loki honestly looked confused. “I literally tied you down less than a week ago.”

Tony ran a hand through his hair. At least Steve looked as uncomfortable as he was. “That's different,” he insisted. “And is something we really are going to talk about  _ later _ .” 

* * *

**Peter**

Peter stepped into the lab to find it quieter than usual, though still far from a truly comfortable volume for him. He glanced giddily around at the mess of projects that took up almost all of the available horizontal space in the lab. Regardless of how often he came down here, it was always exciting to see what new things Tony had started working on. 

“Hey, kiddo!” Tony called out to him from the far side of the work space. “You doing alright?” He asked once Peter had made his way over.

He tensed for a moment before realizing Tony just meant physically, and that there was no way for him to know that Peter was being plagued by nightmares about his boyfriend. “Yeah,” he said with a shrug. Thankfully Tony was too distracted by the new project to notice his hesitation. “So, what are we working on?”

“Ok, so, not sure if you caught it since you were late to the party, but I have a new suit.” 

He thought back. Maybe the suit had looked different? That hadn't really been a priority at the time. “Cool, cool,” he said.

“It's very cool,” Tony smirked. “Nanobots. They live in the Arc Reactor.” He gave the metal in his chest a light tap.

“That's--I--How--What?”

Tony grinned as he struggled to process the idea. “I told you it was cool. Anyway, new suit, old tech, lag, etc, need to update some stuff.”

Peter blinked, watching Tony move from screen to screen, bringing up diagrams and programs and calculations. “Mr. Stark, you've lost me. Can you back up a few steps?”

“Sorry,” Tony didn't really look sorry. “So, you know how I've implanted micro-repeaters in my body to help me control the suits?”

“No.”

Tony finally stopped moving. “Have I seriously never told you about them?” He asked, sounding surprised. Then he frowned. “Ok, now I have to back up even further.”

He started moving again as he explained, pacing around the lab like a caged animal. Quite a few years ago he'd implanted small microprocessors that could translate bodily movements into commands for the suit. Including, amongst other things, summon some versions of the Iron Man suits to him as needed. He noted that at point he had a suit that he'd designed to help in case of a panic attack, but didn't go into any detail on what might have happened to it.

“But with the new suit, the interface is having all sorts of lag issues. So I need to upgrade and replace them.” Tony gestured towards a seat at one of the workbenches and so Peter sat down. 

He set down one of the chips between them. It was even smaller than Peter had expected. “Your body didn't reject them?”

“Not after version 3.0, no.”

“You gave it three tries?” He paused. “What version number are these?”

“Most of them are version 18.”

“18?”

“Well, between the first two being rejected by my body, and new suits, and that one that really liked to malfunction and try to electrocute me, yeah. It's taken a few tries to get to where we are now.”

Peter sighed. “So, what? You need some help creating version 19?”

Tony shrugged. “Is it cheating to skip a version number and have it be version 20? I like the aesthetic of V-20 with Mark 50, what do you think?”

“I think you should go with 19 in case something goes wrong. Then you aren't stuck with having to call the next one V-21.”

Once Tony slowed down, he was a good teacher. Patient and willing to break down topics as far as Peter asked him to. 

It still took the better part of two hours before Peter felt confident that he understood things well enough to start making plans or suggestions for improvements.

Eventually they took a break to eat, then worked for another hour or so before they felt reasonably comfortable with the prototype. He watched Tony start running a program to simulate the new design’s effectiveness.

“I appreciate the help, Peter,” Tony told him seriously.

Peter smiled easily, “Like I said, I like helping.” In truth Peter was pretty sure that Tony could have figured this out by himself, but he could understand wanting company while he worked. 

Eventually Tony waved him off and told him to have good night while he went back to another project--something about a golden feather.

* * *

**Tony**

It was either very late, or very early, depending on your perspective, when Tony returned to his apartment. He wasn't really sure if he was surprised to see that Loki was still up or not. He tilted his head and watched as Loki worked a spell into a knife he was holding, the blade glowing faintly.

“What're you doing?” Tony asked, sitting down next to him.

“Trust me?” Was all he got in way of reply.

“Yes,” Tony answered before realizing that that was a weird response to his question. 

Loki reached out and took hold of his wrist, holding it firmly. “In theory I've enchanted this blade so that it cannot harm a human,” he explained.

Tony's stomach dropped. “In theory?”

“I'm confident that it will work, but I need to test it.”

He let out a long breath and did his best to relax his arm. “Do you have to test it on me?”

“Do you have a better suggestion?”

“I guess not,” he frowned. “Ok, just don't stab me anywhere lethal.”

Loki's grip on his wrist tightened, “Do you honestly believe I'd harm you?”

“What? No, of course not. Sorry, 'm just in a weird mood.”

The knife slid easily across his forearm, leaving him unscathed. Loki looked momentarily pleased before releasing him. The knife vanished at the same time. “What's wrong?”

“I don't know,” he admitted, leaning heavily against the god. “I mean, I do. A lot is wrong, and it's leaving me all fucked up and shit.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, no.”

Loki hummed, wrapping an arm around him, fingers dancing against his side. “Do you want a distraction, then?”

Tony squirmed in his hold, but didn't try to move away. “I'm not in the mood to fuck.”

His fingers stilled. He could tell Loki wanted to say something, but he kept quiet for several moments. “Ok.”

“Is it?” Tony asked.

“Yes,” Loki insisted, although his tone let Tony know that he wasn't exactly thrilled by it. “Although it is a bit unusual.”

Tony shrugged. He knew that, but it wasn't like he really had an answer either. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“That's not--. You shouldn't be  _ sorry _ .” Loki said. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He pulled Tony closer against him. “Would you like to talk about something else?”

“Sure,” Tony agreed, pressing his face against Loki's chest.

“Forgive me if this isn't far enough away from our previous topic, but what is it that Steve and Bucky do that you feel you can't handle.”

Tony groaned. Loki had given him an easy out, but he found he wanted to give him an answer. “Do you and Bucky never talk about that stuff?”

“We haven't yet, no. Would you prefer if I just asked him for the details?”

“You'd probably get a more coherent answer,” Tony admitted. “But give me a moment,” he said, determined to at least try to explain.

“Actually. Do you remember when you gave me my collar? Not this one,” his hand drifted to the metal chain around his neck, “but the red leather one?”

“I do.”

“And how I freaked out and fought you every step of the way?”

Loki pulled away enough to look at him face to face. “You were already upset that day,” Loki countered.

“Yeah, but even if I hadn't been. You just came in, telling me to kneel, and… I can't just follow orders like that.”

“You managed it eventually,” Loki said cautiously. It sounded like he was still trying to understand. “And unless I grossly misread the situation, you enjoyed it quite a bit.”

“Yes,” Tony agreed, “because right after you beat my ass and fucked me into the mattress.” He echoed Loki's small smile at the memory. “But it's… ok, you know how sometimes my brain is just… too much?”

“Like now?”

Tony made a non-committal noise before agreeing, “Yeah, like now. Usually to deal with it I need…” he paused, searching for the right phrasing. “I need you to drag me down into submission until I stop thinking.”

Loki tilted his head slightly. “As opposed to what?”

“Uh. Going willingly, I guess. I can't just follow orders for the sake of following orders. That doesn't  _ help _ .”

“Have you tried?”

Tony fought down the anxiety that threatened to bubble up at the question, his fingers twitching as he struggled to sit still. “No,” he admitted softly. “But I know me.”

The god hummed thoughtfully. “But you don't want that right now? Me to force you down until you can cope?”

“No.”

“Can you tell me why?”

Tony bit his lip. “No. And it's not me being difficult, I honestly don't understand it.” 

Loki leaned back against the couch and pulled Tony back against his side. “How is researching the cloak going?”

“Slowly,” Tony grumbled, grateful for the change of topic. “I've started working on a new project to distract me from being pissed off at alien magic.”

“Oh?” Loki chuckled. “What is it?”

“Easier to show you,” he said. “Come down to the lab tomorrow?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is 2/3! :D

_ I need to shake off this pain _ __   
_ But courage takes too much _ _   
_ __ So I have to walk away, again

\--Seether, _Pass Slowly_

“You've made more progress than I was expecting from what you said last night,” Loki said, examining the monitors surrounding the feather. “I'm very proud of you.”

Tony huffed, “Shut up.” But Loki sounded so sincere that he couldn't help but smile to himself. 

“Is this the cloak's movement from during the fight?”

“Yep,” Tony explained. “I haven't been able to find anything past that, but honestly I'm pretty happy to be able to trace it at all.”

“I was confident you'd figure something out,” Loki said, turning away from the screens. “So what's the other project you've been working on?”

He beckoned Loki over to the far side of the lab, where he was working on building the new micro-repeaters. So far he had 30 of the planned 60--this upgrade seemed as good a time as any to add more feedback points. He gave Loki a brief explanation of what they did, but didn't bother with the details of how they worked.

Loki glanced over the simulations and data he and Peter had pieced together. “How are you planning to replace the ones you have now?”

“The same way I always do,” he said with a shrug. 

“By yourself?” Loki asked, looking over the details of where all Tony was planning to inject the chips.

“I've managed it the last… well, 16 of the last 18 times, at least. That's an 89% success rate.”

“89… I'm not just going to let you inject something into your own spine, Tony.”

“I’m not asking for permission,” Tony snapped, surprised at his own irritation. 

Loki's brows knit together in confusion, and he held his hands up in a placating gesture. “I only meant that I'm willing to help.”

“Oh,” Tony said, deflating. “Yeah, alright. It'll be at least a day until they're ready.”

“Just let me know,” Loki said, stepping closer and tilting Tony's head down until he could press a kiss to his forehead.

* * *

December 16th blindsided Tony that year. He hadn't even realized what day it was until Bucky texted him.

>> Where the fuck are you?

He just blinked at the message. 

> Downstairs, why? What's up?

Several minutes later Bucky appeared from the elevator. “Are you ok?” He asked immediately.

“Yes?” Tony replied, looking up the program he was working on. He'd found a rather significant flaw in version 19 of the micro-repeaters, which had made the last 24 hours of production meaningless. At least now he could honestly call them version 20. Small victories. 

“Jesus Christ,” Bucky said as he made his way over. “Are those what I think they are?”

“Probably. Don't worry, this version has a nearly zero percent chance of shocking me.”

“Nearly? How comforting.” Bucky bumped their shoulders together. “Did you lose track of time or are you just not up for our 3rd annual “Drink Until Tony Passes Out” party?”

Tony froze. “Wha… Hey, J, buddy, what's the date?”

“Saturday, December 16th, 2019, Sir.”

_ No fucking way _ . How in the fuck had he lost track of the date? For the first time in 28 years he hadn't been mindlessly obsessing for  _ weeks _ leading up to the anniversary of his parents’ deaths. His brain turned to static.

“Woah, hey. Sit down, Tony.” He was only vaguely aware of Bucky guiding him into the nearest chair. “And breathe. Ok, good, like that. Keep--”

“I forgot,” Tony whispered numbly. 

“No you didn't,” Bucky insisted sofly. “You've been busy and got distracted, that's not the same thing.”

“Fuuuuck,” Tony groaned, dropping his head down and running a hand through his hair. “You mentioned getting drunk?” He asked hopefully.

“Yeah. Do you want to go upstairs, or just stay down here?”

“Don't care.”

“Upstairs it is, then. The couch down here sucks.”

Tony frowned as he followed Bucky to the elevator. “I like my couch,” he complained.

“That doesn't make it less of a piece of shit.”

They got off at one of the common rooms. It was, as far as Tony knew, almost never used, but it still held a decently stocked bar. So while they could be found easily if needed, someone would be having to  _ try _ in order to interrupt their admittedly morbid yearly ritual.

“So,” Bucky started as soon as they were settled on the couch, side by side, beers in hand. “You know how you and Steve both told me that I shouldn't look up bloodplay?”

“You ignored us, didn't you?”

“No, asshole. I heard you and decided that I get to fucking choose what I do and don't learn about.”

“Yeah? How'd that work out for you?”

Bucky grumbled something that he couldn't catch.

“I'm sorry, was that, “It went badly and I should definitely listen to my friends when they're trying to look out for my well being?””

“You know damn well it wasn't.”

“Yeah, but maybe it should have been.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Tony let out a mock gasp, “Why James. What would Grandpappy Cap say if he heard you say things like that?”

Bucky laughed and elbowed him, “Shut up, jerk. You know I'm older than him, right?”

“And you're both tiny children compared to me, so.”

“Tony, I'm 102. I'm a few months older than Howard.”

Tony grimaced. “Don't. Don't say shit like that.”

“It's true, though.”

“One: No, functionally you're in your 30s, max. Two: No, again, because it's weird. Three: just no.”

Bucky just laughed even harder at him. “That's what you get for jerkin’ it to pictures of dead guys, Tony.”

“Oh my God. I regret ever telling you about that.”

“If it helps,” Bucky teased, “I'm flattered to have been instrumental in your sexual awakening.”

“I hate you and I'm not nearly drunk enough for this conversation.”

“Speaking of, did we wind up giving Loki all kinds of fun ideas the other day?”

“Lord. Probably. I'm very sure we're gonna wind up fucking in Central Park, soon.”

“You should, it's fun.”

Tony snorted. “I'm sure. How'd you even talk Steve into that?”

Bucky took a long drink from his bottle. “Why do you assume it was my idea?”

He sputtered midway through a drink, coughing as some of the beer tried to go down his windpipe. “Fuck.”

“Play stupid games,” Bucky smirked at him.

“Yeah, yeah,” Tony muttered before getting up to grab more beer for the both of them.

The conversation lulled into a companionable silence after that.

“I'm sorry,” Bucky whispered two drinks later.

“I know,” Tony assured him. They'd discussed it enough that he didn't even try saying anything else. Bucky wasn't looking for forgiveness, not really. 

They were quiet for a bit longer before Bucky spoke again. “You know, I've never asked. What was your ma’ like?”

Tony shrugged. “Honestly, I don't know that I really knew her that well,” he admitted. “We weren't exactly close.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She was more interested in maintaining the family's social status than raising her son.” He raked a hand through his hair. “She did a lot of good for the world, don't get me wrong. She put a lot of work into charities and medical research organizations, things like that.”

“Well, she must have been something special to get Howard to settle down.”

“Maybe.” He frowned. “I think she defended me a lot, though. I'm pretty sure she gave Howard shit for being an awful parent.” He stared down at the empty bottle in his hands. “In the grand scheme of things, my parents were probably pretty decent people. They just had no idea what the fuck to do with me.”

Tony glanced over at Bucky's strained expression. “My childhood wasn't not all bad, though. I had Jarvis, Miss Ana, and Aunt Peggy and Uncle Daniel. They did a lot to keep me from being a complete fuck up.”

“It's a shame Peggy passed before I got back. I would have liked to have seen her again.”

“I think she'd prefer you to just remember her as she was. The last few years she was kind of in and out.”

“At least she passed peacefully.”

Tony didn't reply. He couldn't think about it. Because the second he did, he wouldn't be able to stop. And Bucky didn't need to know. No one needed to know. He was going to keep the truth about Helheim and Valhalla to himself if it killed him.

Which, honestly, it might, if the way his next few breaths burned was anything to go by.

“Tony?” Bucky sounded alarmed.

“Yeah, sorry, I'm here.” He gave Bucky his best sheepish smile, knowing there was no chance Bucky wouldn't see through it. “Just thinking about her there at the end. It was tough to watch, you know?”

He had no idea if Bucky bought his lie or not, but he didn't push. “My turn to grab drinks,” he said instead, gently patting Tony's knee. “I'll pour the whiskey and you can tell me how life as a celibate is going for you.”

“Ugh, why are we even friends?” Tony complained after him.

From there the conversation continued in jumps and starts. He shared what coherent memories he could about his mother. She would have periods where she would decide to try to be a good parent, and after the first few times Tony grew to understand that they wouldn't last long. So he learned to do his best to cherish those moments when they happened. 

Howard had had times like that, too. But they were even more short lived. Of course, that had probably been partially Tony's fault. He'd had so much anger and resentment built up that he would reject offhand any sort of olive branch that Howard tried to extend to him.

Eventually he noticed that Bucky kept glancing over at him with a strange expression on his face.

“What?”

“How drunk are you?”

Tony raised an eyebrow, taking stock. He felt warm and comfortable, and could tell that his mind and reflexes had started to slow. “Pleasantly, why?”

“Because you're more honest when you're drunk.” Tony made a face at that, but Bucky was unfazed and continued. “The other day at dinner? The way you an’ Loki were talking... the bloodplay thing wasn't a one-off, was it?”

“Sure wasn't,” he agreed.

“Right. Ok. I'm tryin’ to be understanding, but. What is the fucking appeal of that?”

He really did try not to laugh at that. He failed miserably, but at least he'd tried. “Sorry,” he offered once he could. “I dunno how to answer that, Buck.”

“Because you don't know?”

Tony snorted, “No, I know. But I've done my best to explain shit like this before.’

“Like hell.”

“Not  _ this _ , obviously. But in general. The… the physical and emotional reactions your body goes through in response to pain.”

“Your body, maybe.”

“Do you see me over here judging the shit you get off from?”

Bucky rolled his eyes at him. “Yeah, fine. Still. There's a difference between enjoying pain and fucking letting someone stab you.”

“Stab… the fuck did you look up? You're making it sound way more violent than it actually is.” 

The other man looked relieved at his insistence. “But you  _ do _ get something out of it? Not just Loki?”

_ Oh _ ! Bucky was worried. Tony leaned heavily against him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “Aww, you were worried about me.”

“Shut the fuck up,  _ of course _ I was worried!” Bucky didn't push him away, even as Tony nuzzled against his arm. “It was Loki's idea though, wasn't it?”

Tony hummed. “Sometimes.”

“To start with, asshole.”

“Oh. Uh.” Tony paused. “Kind of?”

“Kind of? The fuck does that mean?”

“I mean I asked what would be an appropriate offering to a God of Mischief, and that's what we came up with.”

Bucky let out an exasperated sigh. “I. Wh-- _ Пошёл на хуй.” _

“I don't speak--”

“And whose fault is that? Back up. God?”

“Yeah?”

“Loki's a god?”

“Yes. Remember our whole conversation about magic and--”

“No. Fuck off. What does that mean?”

Tony grumbled, sitting up and pouring himself another drink. “I. Fuck. Ok. It's not like I have all the details either. But.” He ran a hand through his hair. “So, they--Thor, Loki, Sigyn, and so on. Not gods like how we think of gods. I don't think. I don't know half the time. I'll be pretty sure I have it figured out, then something  _ new _ shows up to make me question reality. But they're not indestructible. They can die. Well, they can be killed.”

“You're explaining this really fucking badly.”

“I'm  _ trying _ ,” he huffed. “Fuck it. We'll ask Loki to fucking explain what being a god means. The important part is that they're capable of being worshipped--and before you ask, no, I don't understand the full extent of that, either. But bloodletting is the only fucking thing we've found that works, so far.” 

At Bucky's continued frustrated and befuddled look, Tony sighed. “I never realized how complicated this shit is,” he muttered. “The bloodletting  _ started _ as me… I don't know. Doing something that we both enjoyed a great deal? There's a whole goddamn thing with Odin that I'm too drunk to get into. But being worshipped is like a  _ need _ that gods have. Like humans need… I don't know. Shelter, maybe. That's probably not really the best analogy,” he admitted.

“The fuck have you gotten yourself into, kid?” Bucky asked, pulling Tony back against his side. He could practically feel Bucky's anxiety as he ran his fingers through Tony's hair.

“Weird shit,” Tony said, enjoying the warmth of Bucky's side. 

He listened as Bucky drained whatever was left in his glass. After several minutes of silence he sank down, curling his chest and head against Bucky's legs. “You're like a dog,” Bucky mused.

“Fuck you.”

“So if Loki's not stabbing you, what  _ is _ he doing?”

“How drunk are you?” Tony asked into his leg.

“I've got a light buzz going.”

Tony hummed. “I mean, it depends on the day,” he explained slowly. “But in general terms, like… Shallow cuts, mostly. And not that it's ever been  _ necessary _ , but he's capable of healing spells. It's as safe as something like that can be.”

Bucky's fingers returned to his hair, nails dragging against his scalp. 

“And it's all with your permission, right?”

“ _ Yes _ ,” he huffed. “Everything you ‘n’ Steve do is with your permission, right?”

“I-- It's not the--” Bucky made an annoyed sound. “Yeah, of course.”

Tony closed his eyes, content to just enjoy the closeness, but he could feel Bucky's thumb worrying the space where his skull met his spine. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“It's just… do you enjoy it?” 

Warmth flooded Tony's chest that had nothing to do with the alcohol. He appreciated Bucky's concern, even if it was unnecessary. “I do,” he assured him, “very much. I understand that that's probably hard to imagine--”

“It is, yeah.”

He rolled his eyes. “Loki and I aren't in the habit of doing anything we don't  _ both _ enjoy.”

“Good,” Bucky said, his hand finally relaxing. 

* * *

The next morning Tony tapped out a quick text:

> Micro-repeaters are ready.

“I'm surprised to see you up and about so early,” Loki said not unkindly as he appeared at Tony's side.

“It's 10am, not  _ that _ early.” He said, giving Loki a one-armed hug. “Besides, I didn't actually manage to get blackout drunk last night.”

“Really?”

“You wound me. Don't sound so surprised.”

“You're right, I should cast aside years of behavioral trends instead.” Loki kissed him after Tony rolled his eyes. 

“What are these?” Loki asked, running his fingers along Tony's arm, tracing the small purple circles Tony had drawn on earlier.

“Those are the locations of the current micro-repeaters. Since you need to know where they are in order to get them out.”

“Ah. And how are we going about removing them?”

Tony gestured towards the scalpel and non-conductive pliers on the table next to them, “I didn't just get those out for fun.”

Loki's expression darkened, “You were planning to cut yourself open 60 times without help?”

“48,” he corrected. “I'm adding 12 new ones.”

“You're deflecting.”

Tony sighed. “They're really shallow, just barely under the skin. And, like I said, I've done it 16 times before.”

“What happened the other two times?”

“The first time I had to replace them was because they were getting infected,” Tony admitted. “My body was rejecting them. Wound up with a pretty nasty fever, etcetera and so on.”

“The second time one of them malfunctioned and I needed help because it kept shocking me.”

Loki looked equal parts confused and concerned. “Why keep putting them back?”

“Because two little outliers aren't a good reason to give up on something.”

“That's ridiculous,” Loki said. “In the future you can just ask me for help.”

“Noted.”

“You know, if you gave me an hour or so, I could come up with a spell to--”

“Nope.”

Loki looked irritated by his one-word answers. “Why not?”

“Because.” _ Because that would fuck up his routine. Because he don't want to avoid unpleasant things. Because this was something that was  _ his _ and his alone.  _ Expect even that wasn't really true anymore. He was certain that some of Loki's magic was woven into the Arc Reactor and the Nanobots that made up his new armor.

“Because why?” Loki demanded.

He started pacing, trying unsuccessfully to will his pulse and breathing back to normal. Or at least not to get any worse. “Because I need  _ something _ to stay the same,” he bit out.

Tony regretted speaking as he saw the concerned look on Loki's face as he walked back over and dropped unceremoniously into the chair, stretching his arm out over the table. 

“Do you want to talk--”

“No. Let's just do this, ok?”

“Ok,” Loki agreed, gingerly picking up the scalpel and started working to removing the 8 micro-repeaters in his right arm. He couldn't really zone out during it, because the tug from the pliers would snap him out of any thoughts he might have been trying to distract himself with.

“I'm doing this correctly, aren't I?” Loki asked after the third chip fell into the tray Tony had set nearby. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “You’re doing fine.”

“Does it hurt?”

“The fuck do you think?” Tony snapped.

“That I asked a stupid question.”

“Right in one, good job.”

Loki didn't reply, and they sat silently as he finished removing the other 5 chips from his arm. 

Before they adjusted their positions so that Loki could easily work on his Tony's left arm, he felt the now familiar warmth-calm-safe creep down his right. 

“What did I say about spells?” There was barely any heat to his voice, since his arm felt so much better after Loki healed it.

“Habit,” Loki said with a shrug.

Tony rolled his eyes but held out his left arm all the same. 

“I don't like people messing with my things,” he admitted 4 incisions in. 

“Is that what these are? Your things?”

“Yeah.”

He watched as Loki removed 3 more of the repeaters before he spoke again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Are you getting any, uh, worship-y vibes from this?”

Loki froze, scalpel poised over his skin. “What? No. Why would--”

“Well, I mean, since you're getting to cut me open and all.”

“Context  _ matters _ .” Loki stressed, finally making the last cut into his left arm.

“And that's… that's not  _ why _ you're keeping me around, right?”

“What the  _ fuck _ , Tony?” He set the scalpel down but didn't reach for the pliers yet. “No! Do you seriously think that?” Loki all but growled. Tony chanced a look up at his face and saw that he had definitely offended him.

“No. Maybe. I don't know! After meeting Sigyn and your kids I couldn't think of--ow, fuck!” Loki had pulled the last chip free much more roughly than was necessary.

“Good. Being an idiot should hurt.” Tony glared at him. “If I were interested in being with Sigyn, or another god, then that's where I'd be. But I'm not. I'm here. With you. Because  _ this _ is where I want to be. This is my home.” The healing spell worked its way up his left arm, stitching together the shallow cuts. “And yes, you being capable of worshipping me is a plus, but even if you couldn't, or even if you decided you just didn't want to anymore, I wouldn't be going anywhere.”

Tony just stared as Loki took a deep breath, obviously having an easier time reining in his emotions than Tony was. “Sorry. I didn't mean… I love you, too.”

Loki gave a short laugh. “You'd better, with some of the shit you come up with.”

“Yeah, it's totally unreasonable for me to feel insecure when comparing myself to literal gods.”

“It's unreasonable for you to think you need to compare yourself,” Loki said fondly. “Legs or chest, next?”

“What? Oh. Uh.” He hadn't thought this far ahead. Getting the chips out of his chest meant exposing his Arc Reactor, something that always sent a spike of anxiety through him in the lab if he wasn't alone. Especially now that Loki knew how to remove it. Which was a ridiculous thing to worry about, he knew, but he couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts from making themselves known.

“Legs,” he decided. He'd still have to get them out of his chest eventually, but right then he prefered to delay the inevitable.

He stood up and dropped his jeans before hopping up onto the table. He tried very hard not to let his mind wander as Loki moved the equipment and settled between his legs. It did nothing to stop his dick from twitching as Loki's cool fingers felt along his thigh for the next micro-repeater. 

Loki didn't comment but when he chanced a glance down he could see Loki's amused expression. “Asshole,” he muttered.

“I didn't say anything,” Loki replied, not bothering to hide his smirk. “Do you want to just mark where they are? It'll speed this up.”

“Yes.” Tony reached over for the marker, quickly circling the 8 chips in each leg. 

The pain of lancing and extracting the micro-repeaters didn't help nearly as much as Tony hoped it would. He was at least grateful that it didn't make the whispers of his arousal any worse.

“It has been over a week,” Loki said when he moved to the other leg.

“Shut up,” Tony grumbled. “I've gone longer than a week without sex.”

“I'm sure you have. When was the last time?”

“Whenever you disappeared for longer than that, I guess.” He waited until Loki didn't have the scalpel or pliers buried in his skin before lightly kicking at his leg. “Besides, this is purely physical. Proximity and all that.”

“Mmhmm,” Loki pushed his leg back into the position he needed to get at the last couple of chips. “Does saying that make you feel better than acknowledging that you want to have sex?”

“That's not… I  _ want _ to want sex,” he tried. 

“What does that actually mean?” Loki sounded annoyed.

Something unraveled in Tony's mind, and everything he'd been feeling for the last few weeks bubbled to the surface at once. “It  _ means  _ that several of the things that I've held as fucking  _ facts _ for my entire life have just vanished out from under me!” He pushed his way past Loki and off of the table. There was no way he could sit still. Instead he paced back and forth, not going far.

“Over the course of a goddamned week I met three of your kids, fought two giant apocalypse chickens, found out that the afterlife fucking exists and is  _ awful _ . And not only that, but my parents and _ everyone _ who gave two shits about me growing up are in  _ Hell _ , Loki. And no, knowing that it's not the sort of shit that gets bandied around as Hell, and knowing that they have your daughter protecting them, neither of those things actually help.” He was only vaguely aware that he'd started crying, and he didn't care enough to try to stop. “They should just be dead. Gone. Whatever. Not trapped in some godforsaken…” he trailed off when that train of thought ripped a sob from him.

“And I don't even know if that's the worst part or not. Because of us, Peter got wrapped up in this shit, and got  _ shot.  _ He shouldn't have been anywhere near--.”

“That's on me,” Loki interrupted quietly.

“You're damned right it's on you!” Tony whirled around. 

“And I know that  _ most _ of this shit isn't your fault, ok?  But I just went through some  _ shit _ , and I'm sorry if it inconveniences you that it's going to take me a bit to fucking process everything.”

Loki just sat there while Tony caught his breath. His throat hurt from crying and yelling. He didn't feel any better, he just felt empty. He grabbed a clean towel from one of the workbenches and ran it over his face. “Sorry,” he offered quietly.

“Why are you sorry?” Loki sounded honesty confused by his apology.

“I know these last few weeks have sucked for you, too. Plus I just screamed and cried at you for like 5 minutes.”

“They have, and you did. In the future you could just talk about the things that are bothering you, rather than bottling them up like that,” Loki's voice was soft and sounded nearly paternal. It might have pissed him off more if he'd had any energy left to be pissed off.

“I won’t,” he said bitterly. He let himself sink back down into his chair. “I don't think I even know  _ how _ to dose shit out.” 

“I'm sorry for pushing.”

Tony shrugged. “We still have 16 more microchips to dig out of me.”

“Are you going to take your shirt off, or shall I just cut it away while I'm at it?”

He was halfway through pulling his shirt off before he recognized that Loki had made a joke. “Was that the best you could think of?” He asked as he let his shirt fall to the floor.

“As you said, I've had a pretty shitty few weeks and then my mate screamed at me for five minutes. I'm trying my best.”

Tony rolled his eyes before leaning forward to grab the marker and circling the locations of the remaining 16 micro-repeaters. 

Loki gave him a considering look. “I think it would be easier if you got back on the table.”

He took a moment to take in the positioning before deciding that Loki was probably right. He climbed back up without saying anything.

Loki removed 15 of the microchips in silence. “I love you,” he said quietly.

“I--”

“Even though you yelled at me,” Loki continued with a teasing tone.

“Lo-”

“About shit that wasn't my fault.”

“Loki.”

“For five minutes.”

“You're an asshole.”

Loki smirked at him before making the last cut, this one definitely deeper than was necessary.

“Ow, what the fuck?”

“I needed to be sure I had your attention.”

“Of course you do. What else could I possibly be focusing on?”

The god just  _ looked _ at him. And yeah, that was fair. “I think you should wait until tomorrow to inject a bunch of foreign objects into your body.”

“What? No. What if--”

Loki dropped the final chip into the tray before pressing a finger against his lips. “Nevermind the what ifs. Worst case scenario, the others can manage without you for an hour.”

“No,” Tony said firmly. “I'm not waiting until tomorrow.” He didn't have much leverage for negotiation given than he practically  _ needed _ Loki's assistance for the 12 repeaters he planned to inject into his back. He could manage with JARVIS's help, of course, but… “Later? Tonight?” 

Several long seconds passed as Loki considered his counter-offer. “Tonight,” he conceded. “After dinner. And you're not staying down here all day. You're going to come up stairs and at least try to relax.”

“Fine,” he said, rather than arguing like he wanted to. Loki had a good point. Eating and resting before subjecting his body to 60 painful injections was probably for the best.

* * *

They were nesting on the couch, curled up together with several blankets. Removing the repeaters had tired Tony out more than he'd realized, and he kept dropping off to sleep.

At one point he woke up to see that the TV was on. “What're you watching?” He mumbled through the blanket he'd pulled up to his nose.

“Well, I thought it was A Christmas Carol…”

Tony glanced towards the screen. People were dancing. It looked like it could be A Christmas Carol. “Thought?” He asked.

“Hang on, keep watching.”

Now there were children on screen. Probably a sequence with the Ghost of Christmas Past. Except… “Is that Sam the Eagle?”

“See? What the fuck is that?” Loki gestured to the screen in befuddlement and Tony collapsed in a fit of giggles, pressing his face against Loki's shoulder.

“It's The Muppets,” he explained gleefully. “How have you avoided The Muppets all this time?”

“What are they?”

Tony just laughed harder. “What, did Asgard not have  _ puppets _ ?”

“Of course we did, not but like these.” Gonzo and Rizzo were talking about something that Tony couldn't make out through his own laughter.

“Oh, fuck off,” Loki griped, shoving Tony off of him.

Once he got his laughter back under control Tony wormed his way back against Loki's side. “I'm sorry for laughing at you.”

“No you aren't.”

“I'm a little sorry.”

Loki rolled his eyes but wrapped an arm around him, settling back in. “Did you have a good nap?”

“I did, yeah.” He tried to remember if he'd watched any other versions of of A Christmas Carol with Loki or not. If he hadn't, this probably wouldn't have been the one he'd have picked to start with.

“Are you feeling better?” Loki asked.

“In general, I guess so, yeah.”

“Anything else you need to get off your chest? Preferably without screaming at me this time.”

Tony huffed. He'd already apologized twice, he wasn't going to apologize again. “Probably,” he said honestly. “I don't know what--” he paused. Yes he did. He was just afraid he'd regret asking. “Do you promise to be honest with me?”

“Yes?” Loki offered slowly.

“What's Helheim like?”

“Oh. You won't like my answer.”

Tony stiffened, trying to expect the worst.

“Sorry, relax. You won't like it because I have no idea,” Loki explained quickly. “I've never been there.”

“Really?”

Loki waited until Tony had relaxed some before speaking again. “After Odin locked my children away, I didn't seek them out. I  _ couldn't _ get to Fenrir, and I'm not sure I could have gotten to Hel, but I could have tried. Instead I returned to Asgard, tail between my legs, and willingly placed myself back under his thumb.”

That was a hard thing to imagine. “Why?”

“Because two of my children were dead, and the other four were at his mercy. I didn't really have much choice. It was resume my role as prince and son, or risk… everything.”

Tony swallowed, it was suddenly much easier to imagine. “I'm sorry. That's…”

“I appreciate the sentiment,” Loki told him. “I can tell you what I know of Niflheim, if you'd prefer.”

“Hel made it sound like it kind of sucked.”

“Well, yes. That's why it was chosen to be the resting place for those who died dishonorable deaths.”

“Dishonorable things like disease and murder, you mean?”

Loki was quiet for a moment. “Yes. Although I've since changed my opinion on what constitutes a dishonorable death.”

Tony's brows knit together in confusion. “You say that like you were part of that decision making process.”

“I was,” Loki said as if that were obvious.

“What?”

“You remember my telling you that I was there when life pulled itself free from the oceans?”

Yes. Tony remembered that exceedingly well. He nodded as such.

“Well, I was also there for the discussions of what to do with your souls once your bodies failed you.”

“Oh. Makes sense.” He pulled away from Loki's side. “Is that all there is, then? Niflheim or Valhalla?”

Loki glanced away. He could see him worrying his lip between his teeth. “I thought so. But I don't know, anymore.”

That was alarming as _ fuck _ . “What does that mean?”

“Narfi died fighting,” Loki pulled away from Tony entirely, standing up to pace, the movie forgotten. “By all rights he earned his place in Valhalla.”

“But he wasn't there, right?”

“Right. And Hel has assured us that he's nowhere in Niflheim, either.” He turned and faced Tony. “I have no idea where he is.”

“I…” Tony had no idea what that could mean. “And everyone goes to those places? Not just humans, but gods and giants too?”

“Yes. According to Hel, Baldr is in Helheim.”

“That must be awkward.”

Loki wore a strange expression as he said, “Apparently he took his accidental manslaughter quite well. He told her, “If I hadn't've died, that would have been a great joke. Imagine, taking the time to fashion an arrow from mistletoe, and then to give it to Höðr of all people. What a ridiculous notion.””

Tony couldn't help but smile at the way Loki recited the quote from his dead friend. “It's a shame he was the only one who saw the humor in it,” Loki continued.

“Yeah, people dying general isn't funny.”

“You'd be surprised.”

He frowned but decided not to pursue that comment. “So, what happened to the people who died before life down here got going?”

Loki looked startled. “I… have no idea,” he admitted. “Before Midgardians, most species were incredibly long-lived. There weren't very many deaths.”

“But their souls had to go somewhere, right?” Tony was starting to hate this conversation. Two weeks ago if someone had suggested that he'd be seriously discussing the nature of  _ souls  _ he'd have laughed in their faces. Yet, here he was. And the conversation was important to Loki. “Like, is reincarnation a thing?”

“I honestly don't know anymore. Before I would have confidently said “No,” but now?” Loki returned to the couch and it was his turn to lean heavily against Tony. “What if he just doesn't exist anymore? If he's just  _ gone _ ?”

Tony's chest tightened painfully. Loki sounded so scared of the idea, which just a few hours before Tony had claimed to be what  _ should  _ have happened to his own loved ones who had passed away. How much had that claim hurt him? “Fuck,” he whispered, for lack of anything better to say. “We'll find out,” he said with a certainty he didn't feel. “If everyone else who's died is somewhere to be found, he is too.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the smut. :P

_ Oh God I miss your touch _ _   
_ _ (Can you take it away?) _ _   
_ _ The way that you keep me safe _ _   
_ __ I won’t let you fade away, my friend

\--Seether _ , Pass Slowly _

“Ideally,” Loki asked, watching Tony pour over the screen and carefully mark the injection sites on his own body, “wouldn't further upgrades reduce the amount of things you have to implant into your body, rather than increase it?”

“Ideally these wouldn't be necessary at all,” Tony admitted. “But the human body is complex, so, here we are.” He flashed Loki a quick grin, “Besides, without them I wouldn't have been able to shoot you point-blank.”

“Is that how you did it?” He took the marker from Tony and took over marking the the sites on his back. “I still think it's a bad idea to have these so close to your spine.”

“Your concern has been documented and if this blows up in my face you'll be awarded one “I told you so”, on the house.”

He heard Loki huff a laugh before his fingers dug into his hair and forced his head down. His breath caught before he realized it was, ostensibly at least, just so Loki could properly mark the space right below his skull.

“Sir, for what it's worth--”

“Are you about to tell me that you agree with Loki, and that this is a bad idea?”

JARVIS was silent for a moment as he scanned Tony's body, checking the placement of the marks. “Yes, Sir, I am.”

“Then you can have an “I told you so”, too.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Get over here, then.”

Tony returned to the table they had used that morning and settled on top of it. Technically there were better places to do this, but he was a creature of habit, really.

“How badly is this going to hurt you?”

“Not very. And a lot less than taking them out did,” Tony said with a shrug.

Loki nodded, “Hold still.”

Tony nearly laughed at the suggestion but the implant gun was pressed against his arm. He really did try not to jerk or jump, but _fuck_.

“What did I just say?”

He glanced down at his arm, it didn't look as though anything had gone wrong. “It's fine, I didn't fuck it up. I'll try harder not to move.”

“You'd better.”

“Oh yeah? Or what?”

Loki looked exasperated. “Or you could get seriously injured, Tony.”

Oh, right. Yeah. That was actually a very good reason to take the whole “hold still” thing more seriously. “Sorry.”

When he still jumped during the second implant Loki changed his grip and held Tony's arm still, not giving him the ability to move. He continued that procedure with Tony's other arm, as well as his legs.

However when it came time for the implants for his chest, Loki took a step back to consider their options.

“If it helps, having someone hold a gun to my chest is actually insanely intimidating. I think I might be too scared to move.” Tony offered.

“We can move so that I can just hold you down if we need to.”

Despite the evenness of Loki's tone and the fact that he was very obviously speaking out of concern for Tony's apparent inability to keep himself from getting injured, Tony's mind went straight to the gutter.

It must have shown in his face because Loki smirked. “Really?”

“Fuck off,” Tony said. “Literally every other time you've mentioned holding me down has been--”

“Shut up,” Loki growled, grabbing his arm and hauling him off of the desk, and backing him up against a wall. He pressed the gun back up against his chest. “Fucking hold still and help me not shoot you in the wrong place.”

Tony swallowed and nodded. Loki double-checked the placement before holding his gaze. It was suddenly a lot easier to hold still, even as the gun's needle pierced into him, leaving behind the micro-repeater.

“Much better,” Loki praised, apparently happy to just go with it if it meant finishing the procedure safely. Tony managed to keep his physical reactions to the implants to just clenching his fists, or in one case letting the back of his head hit the wall behind him. When he was done Loki pressed a quick kiss against his lips. “Turn around.”

That was an easy enough order to follow. Loki's thumb pressed against the mark just below his skull. “This one is going to be tricky. Do you want to do that one first or last?”

_Delay the inevitable_. “Last.”

“Ok. Look to the side.” As soon as Tony turned his head Loki's hand was on the back of his neck, pushing him against the wall hard enough that it knocked the breath out of him for a moment.

Loki's hand stayed on the back of his neck for the next 10 injections, only leaving briefly so that he could switch hands as he moved to the other side of his back.

“Two left,” Loki informed him. “I have to move my hand.”

“Ok.” Right, two left. The two nearest his spine, one at the base of his skull, and one right above his tailbone. Because several days ago those placements sounded like perfectly reasonable ideas. Past Tony was a fucking idiot, he decided.

The gun was pressed just to the left of his spine. In theory, this was perfectly safe and not at all a terrible idea. In theory, Tony was also a genius, but he'd still gotten himself into a situation where backing out at the last second meant having to remove the other 58 properly placed chips and reworking the programming.

“Are you ok?” Loki asked quietly.

“Yep,” Tony said, hoping he sounded at least halfway calmer than he felt. “Do it before I freak myself out.”

Loki muttered something that Tony couldn't understand before pulling the trigger.

Tony didn't even realize he'd held his breath until his lungs started to burn. Outside of the same unpleasant sting that had accompanied all of the rest of the implants, he was perfectly fine. “Oh thank God,” he gasped.

“You're welcome,” Loki replied.

Tony snorted and nearly let out a slightly hysterical laugh before remembering that he couldn't relax just yet. “Fuck. Tricky one, now?”

“Tricky one, now,” Loki confirmed. “Take half a step back and brace yourself against your arms. I need you to be able to tilt your head down.”

He easily did as he was asked, tucking his chin against his chest. Right then he couldn't remember what his plan had been for placing these last several implants on his own, although he was sure he'd had one.

Tony clenched his eyes shut when the gun pressed against his neck, just to the right of his fucking brain stem.

Thankfully Loki didn't give his anxiety any time to run rampant and he was pretty sure the implant gun had been tossed to the side before he'd even registered the click of its activation.

“I'm going to create a spell to remove those,” Loki told him as he pressed himself flush against Tony's back. “And I'm going to help you figure out a way to make them fucking unnecessary,” he hissed into Tony's ear.

Tony could only nod as relief flooded through him. “Good plans, both of them.”

His heart was thundering in his chest and he was shuddering. “I need to--” he moved to pull away, but Loki had him pinned to the wall. “Loki--”

“No.”

He whined. “I need to have JARVIS be certain that--”

“Later.” Loki growled against his neck. “Right now I need to touch you.”

Tony let out a ragged breath as he realized he could feel Loki's dick against his back. Hell, he needed this too. Loki wrapped an arm around him and pressed his hand against the front of his boxers and--nothing.

He was shaking so hard it was a wonder he hadn't shattered to pieces. He wasn't scared, he was angry. Furious. He wanted this. He wanted this so badly he couldn't stand it. Except his stupid fucking dick wouldn't get with the program.

He opened his mouth to say so but all that came out was whine so high pitched that he didn't immediately recognize it as coming from his own body.

Loki's dick stiffened with every desperate noise he made, and he wondered if he might just cry from frustration.

“Please,” he whimpered.

“Relax,” Loki murmured against his skin. “Stop obsessing and just focus on my fingers against your skin.”

Tony was going to complain that that was easier said than done, but the thought froze as Loki's hands traveled down his sides. His right hand was _cold_ and he could feel the set of deadly claws ghost against unprotected flesh. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the wall, trying to will his body to stop shaking, but it did no good. “Fuck,” he breathed.

“Good. Now take a moment and just _feel_.” Loki's hands stilled on his hips. His left hand felt hot by comparison, while the other was just barely shy of painful.

His frustration ebbed and his breathing slowed as he tried to do nothing but concentrate on the opposing sensations.

“Now let go,” the god continued, “and leave everything to me.”

Tony groaned shamelessly as Loki ground against his ass. “You gonna take off your clothes?”

“You want to fuck down here?” He could hear the smile in Loki's voice.

“Right now you could suggest fucking me in front of the rest of The Avengers and I'd consider it.”

Loki was apparently stunned into silence for a long moment. “As tempting as that suggestion is, this evening I'll settle for the bedroom.” His glamoured hand left his hip to cover his still closed eyes.

Seconds later he could feel the carpet of their bedroom under his feet and Loki released him. “Do something about your underwear,” Loki ordered.

His thumbs were hooked into the waistband before he stopped. He wasn't thrilled by the idea of having his treacherous dick on display.

“Hey,” Loki said firmly, hand coming to the side of his face and turning him until their eyes met. “Focus on me, remember?”

Tony nodded. He took a deep breath before pushing his boxers down and kicking them to the side.

“Good boy.” Claws scratched gently across his scalp, making Tony shudder. When he looked back up he saw Loki holding a blindfold out in silent question.

He didn't even have to consider it, he just closed his eyes and tilted his head down to let Loki buckle the blindfold in place.

“Color?”

“Green.”

“Ok, thank you.” And then Loki was silent. He couldn't even hear him moving around, which didn't really mean anything. It was quiet long enough he started to wonder if Loki had left. He started flexing his hands, balling them up into fists and then stretching them back out.

“Tony.” Loki's voice was soft and Tony let out a small sigh of relief. A cold hand cradled the back of his head and he shivered from the contact but didn't pull away. “I want you to do something for me.” He nodded immediately, and Loki chuckled. “You don't even know what it is yet. What if it's something you hate?”

That gave Tony pause. The list of things he didn't like was pretty short. And the list of things he _hated_ was even shorter. “Maybe,” he amended. “What do you want?”

“I want you to kneel for me.”

Tony tensed. That was firmly on his _hate_ list if it wasn't his own idea. Depending on his mood it was sometimes on his _fuck no_ list. “Why?”

“Because you look incredible on your knees for me.” Loki stepped forward, pressing their bodies flush together. Tony was happy to note that Loki had done away with his own clothing. “Because I love seeing you so pliant and vulnerable at my request.”

He hesitated a moment longer before reaching up to grab Loki's arms to steady him as he sank down to his knees.

Loki murmured something that Tony couldn't understand, but it sounded like praise. As he stepped behind him, he kept a hand on Tony as he moved so that Tony could track his movements. Loki's touch disappeared for a moment, but then soft cool leather was wrapping around his throat.

Tony smiled, comforted by the feeling of _both_ collars on him. He wore the leather one so infrequently that it was impossible to ignore the feel of it against his skin. It couldn't fade into the background of his mind the same way the chain around his neck did. It kept him _present_ whether he wanted to be or not--and fuck did he want to be.

A chilled thumb swiped across his lip and Tony quickly turned his head to capture it between his teeth. Loki's chuckle warmed him as his tongue traced the raised markings on Loki's skin.

“Already so desperate for something inside you, Pet?” Loki asked. The spark of embarrassment in the pit of his stomach was almost immediately extinguished as he felt his dick twitch in response to Loki's words.

“You should be glad that I also find the idea appealing,” Loki told him, sliding his thumb free. “After all, you've made me wait for over a week. That doesn't exactly engender a desire to give you what you want.”

Tony gave an acknowledging hum. He knew better than to think an apology was wanted or expected. When he felt the tip of Loki's dick against his lips he opened his mouth and started to lean forward, but Loki's fingers were back in his hair, holding him still as Loki pushed into his mouth.

“I think my favorite thing about having you on your knees like this,” Loki said as he started a slow lazy rhythm, “is the gorgeous view I get of your lips around me.”

He winced as Loki's dick brushed the back of his throat. “You're ok,” Loki whispered in response to his anxious noise, fingers tightening slightly when he tried to pull back. His breath wasn't _quite_ cut off, but it was impeded. Tony's fingers dug into his legs as he tried to keep himself calm.

But he was shaking again. Wasn't nearly far enough down for this. His hands moved to Loki's hips, and Loki moved back, letting him draw in great gasping breaths.

Tony heard Loki drop down in front of him, both hands--normal again--cupping his face. “I'm sorry, that was too much,” Loki said quickly. “Are you ok?”

He nodded. Now that he could breathe again, he was fine. “Yeah. 'M good. Just… can't. Like that. Would rather your hand on my throat.”

Loki's stream of quiet apologies stopped short.

It took Tony another moment to register exactly what he'd said. Breath play was something firmly on his “fuck no” list. Loki had asked for it once, and he'd agreed, and then immediately afterwards said that he never wanted to do it again.

It was something that usually terrified him, and that he'd had more than his fair share of nightmares about. But right then, unbidden, his mind provided what it might feel like. To have Loki hold him down, carefully cutting off his oxygen until the world went fuzzy at the edges. His dick stiffened at the suggestion and he _really_ wasn't sure what to do with that knowledge.

Loki's hand found his dick and practically cradled it, as though it were something precious. “Is that something you _want_?” Loki asked cautiously.

Tony was at a loss. Because before this moment, the answer would have been a resounding “no.” Possibly a “fuck off if you even think about it,” in fact. More importantly, it was something he _shouldn't_ agree to on impulse--again. “I don't know,” he answered, despite the fact that his brain (or at least his dick) was screaming that, _yes_ , it was something he wanted very much.

“If I did, want it, I mean, is that… Would you enjoy that?”

Loki didn't respond right away. Tony wished he could see his face to have some idea what he was thinking. “Yes.” Then Loki's grip tightened and he started stroking him in earnest, making Tony gasp and jerk into his hand.

“Then I need to--fuck. Loki.” He'd tried to sound firm but all he managed was a pitiful noise. Which was made worse when Loki's hand left his dick altogether.

“You're very dramatic.”

“You like when I'm dramatic.”

Loki chuckled fondly. “What were you trying to say?”

“What? Fuck. Uh, that I need to think about it.”

“Not just going to let me do what I want?” He teased.

Tony groaned. “Why do you make that sound so tempting?”

“Because you have a distressing lack of regard for your own safety.” He could _hear_ Loki's smirk. “I wouldn't do something like that without talking to you about it first, anyway.”

“Not twice, you mean.”

He heard Loki stand, apparently deciding that he was fine now. “Alright, up you go,” was the only warning he got before Loki's fingers hooked into his collar and dragged him up from the floor. Tony's yelp was of surprise more than anything.

Despite his less-than-gentle means of getting Tony to his feet, Loki's hands were at his sides, helping him steady himself, and making sure he didn't fall.

“Bed,” Loki ordered as soon as we was sure that Tony was stable. “On your back.”

Even blindfolded Tony knew the room well enough to easily follow the command. He had barely gotten situated before Loki had climbed on top of him, straddling his hips.

“I like when you behave,” Loki said softly, positioning Tony's arms above his head. “Think you can keep those there on your own?”

Tony scoffed, “Yeah, I think I can manage.” He paused. “And fuck you, I always behave.”

He grinned at Loki's exasperated huff. “So,” Loki said after a few moments, “the most interesting thing about our sex life is that I'm a shape shifter?”

“That's one of them, yeah. Plus, like I said, the bloodplay.”

The cold and the claws were back, slowly raking down Tony's chest, just hard enough that he was sure that thin red lines were being left in their wake.

“‘N you really liked sounding?” Tony asked, shivering as Loki's fingers wrapped around his heated cock.

“Yes.”

“Should do it again soon.”

“I'd like that.” Loki was shifting above him. “Hold _very_ still,” he warned.

Before Tony could ask what Loki meant, the god was slowly sinking down on his cock. Tony's fingernails dug into the palms of his hands as he fought the urge to thrust upwards.

He heard Loki's breathing shift before he let out a quiet sound of discomfort. He expected him to pause his movements, if at least only for a moment, but he didn't. If anything Loki just moved faster, not going still until Tony was fully sheathed inside of him.

Tony opened and closed his mouth a few times, struggling to speak over the overwhelming sensation of Loki's ass clenching around him. He was so tight that Tony felt more concerned than aroused.

“Wha?” He finally managed.

“Mine,” Loki growled, rolling his hips. “Every fucking part of you belongs to _me_.”

“Yes,” Tony gasped in agreement. “But--”

“No buts.” He felt pressure against one of the bars that pierced his nipples and less than a second later the metal was so cold it burned.

He shouted and thrashed, as if he could escape the sensation. His arms were part of the way down, intending to push Loki's hand away, before he realized it and forced them back up over his head.

“Mine,” Loki repeated, giving his other piercing the same icy treatment.

Tony whined and flinched, pressing himself back into the mattress. “Yours.”

Loki lifted himself up before dropping down on Tony's dick. It only took a few times before Loki found a rhythm, going hard and fast. Tony was confident he'd have bruises long before they were done. Loki seemed to be trying to work through several weeks of stress and frustration via impaling himself on Tony's dick.

“Fuck. Loki, I'm gonna--”

“Don't you fucking dare,” Loki ordered.

Tony linked his hands together above his head, there was no other way he was going to be able to even _try_ to hold still.

Despite his desire to follow orders, hearing Loki come undone took the matter out of Tony's hands. His own orgasm hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Sorry,” he mumbled when Loki removed the blindfold after sliding off of Tony's dick..

But Loki looked more amused than anything else. “Can't even follow simple directions,” Loki scolded teasingly, swatting at Tony's leg. “What am I supposed to do with you?”

Tony returned Loki's smile. “Punish me, I guess.”

Loki smirked as he said, “Roll over.” He didn't give Tony time to actually do as he was asked before manhandling him onto his front. “Feel free to move however you like.”

He tried to lift himself up to glance back but one hand was on his back shoving him down while the other parted his ass cheeks and a cold finger paused at his entrance. “Yes or no?” Loki asked when Tony flinched.

“Yes,” he replied instantly, spreading his legs as well as he could.

His finger was _cold_ as it slid inside him, but Tony was grateful to note the lack of a sharp claw. He clenched his eyes closed and tried to focus on his breathing. But Loki had given him permission to move, so Tony writhed under him, instinctually struggling. The cold made his finger feel so much bigger than it actually was--at least he was pretty sure that's what was causing the feeling.

He couldn't relax enough and when a second finger joined the first Tony swore and tried to scramble away. But Loki's arm draped over his waist and held him there, seemingly uncaring of Tony's pain and discomfort as he pushed past the clenched ring of muscle, making Tony cry out.

“Color?” Loki asked calmly.

All Tony could manage was a whine.

“ _Stark_.”

“Green. Please. _Please_.”

“Please what, Pet?”

Tony whimpered. He didn't know. The fingers inside him were so cold that he was shivering. They hurt and kept brushing against his prostate and that was too much too soon. He wanted Loki to stop as much as he wanted _more_.

“If you don't tell me what you want, I'll just have to make that choice for you,” Loki warned.

“Yes.” That was fine. Loki could decide for him.

“Anything I want?” Tony nodded quickly. “You _do_ remember that this is a punishment, right?”

Tony nodded again. He wanted it. However Loki decided to punish him, he wanted it. He couldn't follow direction. Couldn't communicate when things were bothering him. Couldn't manage to maintain relationships with his best friends. Couldn't protect Peter. He dug his fingers into his pillow, “Please,” he repeated.

He groaned as Loki pulled his fingers free and he wasn't sure if it was out of relief or loss. “Be still,” Loki ordered as he got off the bed. “Don't sit up, don't look around, just be still.”

“Ok,” he agreed. He occasionally heard Loki moving around, retrieving… something? He closed his eyes to try to help resist the temptation to look.

Loki was never quiet for long enough to let Tony become concerned about where he was. He even started humming, although it was a tune that Tony couldn't even begin to place. “Are your eyes closed?” It sounded like Loki had returned to the side of the bed.

“Yes.”

“Ok. I want you to try to keep them closed, but you won't be in trouble if you can't manage it. Understand?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Roll back over.”

Tony kept his comment about Loki needing to make up his mind to himself, and did as he was asked. Loki guided his legs apart so that he could settle between them and Tony lifted his hips expectantly.

“Nope,” Loki informed him, a hand gently pressing him back down. “I do appreciate you trying to anticipate what I want, though.”

Instead Loki took hold of Tony's dick. Limp once again, but at least now it was because he'd come, as opposed to… The train of thought derailed as he felt something hard against the tip of his dick.

His eyes snapped open and Loki looked unsurprised by his reaction. He was holding a silver sounding rod in his hand. Tony's eyes went wide even as he recognized that this sound was thinner than any of the ones in the kit that Loki had previously procured. Still, breathing evenly was a struggle and whole body went rigid.

He hoped Loki wasn't going to wait for him to give permission. He didn't think he had it in him. He could--and would--let this happen, but he couldn't--

Loki must have seen whatever he was looking for, as the tip of the metal rod slipped inside of him. He held his breath, expecting… Expecting what? It hadn't hurt the last time, and that had sound had been wider. It felt strange and unpleasant and mildly terrifying, but it didn't hurt. Loki wasn't having to do anything to encourage the sound into him either, just the weight of it was enough to draw it into his body.

Tony pulled in a deep breath when Loki stilled the sound's descent. He wanted to look away, but green eyes had pinned his gaze as Loki pulled the sound up a few inches before letting it slip back down, fractionally deeper this time.

He winced. This was still unpleasant, smaller sound or no. Loki was still stretching his dick open and it was only fear that held him still as the sound was slowly fucked into him.

Despite the fear and anxiety that gripped him--or maybe because of it--Tony's dick started to swell. His eyes clenched shut against his wishes as the tip of the sound pressed against his prostate.

“Fuck,” he whined. Loki chuckled as he rocked the sound inside him, never letting up on the assault on his nerves.

“Now,” Loki said, his voice betraying his own arousal, “since you were so desperate to come earlier, I _want_ to see you come, just from this.”

There was no way he could come from something like this, Tony reasoned. The sensation was too unpleasant. He shook his head frantically. He _couldn't_.

“No?” Loki asked.

“Can't.”

Loki hummed. “Oh, I'm confident you can manage. Even if it takes some time. I don't have anywhere else I need to be this evening. Do you?”

“I still need to-ah.” He hadn't realized the sound could go deeper still.

“Pardon?”

“Still need to,” he tried again, “to have JARVIS check over the repeaters.”

“That's a good idea,” Loki agreed. “You'd best hurry then.”

It wasn't long before Tony was panting and heat was coiling in his gut. But it didn't feel good. The sound was an unwelcome intrusion. Even focusing on the knowledge that Loki was the one manipulating his body wasn't enough to outweigh everything else.

“Please,” he pleaded, “Loki, I need--”

“You don't _need_ anything but what I'm giving you,” Loki cut him off, firmly dismissing his begging.

He couldn't begin to guess how long it took but Loki, it turned out, was right. Tony came with a sob, cum forcing its way free from around the metal rod. He sobbed against Loki's chest when the god pulled him into his arms, whispering praise and reassurance into his hair. It was as if a levee had broken and all of Tony's pain, anger, and grief flooded out at once. By the time he settled back down everything hurt.

Tony shook his head when Loki made to unbuckle the leather collar around his throat. “You want to keep it on for now?” He asked softly. Tony nodded shortly. “Ok, that's fine. You can have it. Just let me know when you want me to take it back off.”

He grumbled and tried to press himself closer against Loki. He didn't think he'd ever _want_ Loki to take it back off. He was pretty sure he'd just happily wear it forever if given half a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Christmas chapters! SpideyPool is in the process of being written, so I imagine that'll go up first.
> 
> Fans of FMLYHM: That hasn't been forgotten. But I'm pretty sure it isn't gonna be finished in 2018 at this rate. Whoops. D:

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: [@Wolfloner-Official](https://wolfloner-official.tumblr.com/)  
> Twitter: [@Wolfloner1990](https://twitter.com/Wolfloner1990)  
> Discord: Wolfloner#9177  
> [Frostiron Discord Channel](https://discord.gg/UYDkNYe)  
> HMU if you wanna chat or w/e. :)
> 
> (And if you're curious, yes, the scene in chapter 1 from Peter's POV is the same moment from "Here and Now".)


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